Final Fantasy Claudus XIII
by ClaudeLv250
Summary: When Lightning is annoyed and harassed by angry fanboys, she dishes out justice that breaks the plot of FFXIII! CH7: Tetsuya Nomura hits the reset button, and Snow inquires about Kingdom Hearts 3. Rated K Plus because Snow is still a pervert!
1. CH 1: Making the world a Better Place

**Disclaimer:** Final Fantasy XIII, Final Fantasy Versus XIII, and the Fabula Nova Crystallis saga is copyright Square Enix. GameFAQs is copyright uh...itself? I guess.

**Introduction:** Anytime after 12AM seems to be when I get my inspiration for these type of stories. After being surrounded by the same dreck on the GameFAQs/Spot FFXIII boards, I decided to write this parody to vent. This is the first (and last) time I write a story for a game that isn't out yet. The only reason the fic is in this section is because there is no XIII section as of yet (not that I expected one).

And now, I present to you, the first and last entry of the Fabula Nova Claudius saga...

**Final Fantasy Claudus XIII**

**Chapter 1:** _Making the World a Better Place_

The Final Fantasy XIII trailer has just completed across several hundred thousand computer monitors across the globe. A collection of screaming and groaning can be heard from the outer reaches of space.

"I'm not sexist or anything, but girls in video games like, totally suck. Unconnectable!" Complained GameFAQs Fanboy #1.

"i agreee," concurred GameFAQs Fanboy #2, "ffx2 had gurls 2 and it suked, so a gurl in ffxiii means it sux 2!!" He declared in an impressive display of simultaneously raping the English language and all numerical systems. Despite the fact that what he said resembled no intelligible language on Earth, his colleagues had no problem deciphering his message.

"FFX2 sux!" Another fanboy cried. The bandwagon quickly filled up as several hundred fanboys gathered together chanting "FFX2 sux! Gurlz suck! FFX2 SUX! **GURLZ SUK!!1**"

The moronic, repetitive chanting of the e-sheep spread far and wide, dripping through the barrier between fiction and reality before finally reaching the fictional world of Final Fantasy XIII Land, where a familiar, nameless heroine performed her duties for the 150th hundredth time aboard a highly advanced transit system.

"I really wish they'd finish the game, or at least release a new trailer so I wouldn't have to repeat this every day," she muttered, defying gravity by twisting her body in midair and delivering a few shots into the face of one of her many opponents. "And perhaps giving me a name would be nice too."

"At least they don't call you 'emo,'" Final Fantasy Versus XIII's protagonist whispered from his lonely throne.

"Shut up emo. I wasn't talking to you, so stay in your own game's world," she snapped, knocking one of her opponents into the lighting system above her head with a powerful sword uppercut after the scene had changed.

Her routine of kicking ass was interrupted by the abrupt blaring of "**GURLZ SUK!!1**/"

"...the hell?" She stopped, as did her opponents, including the rabid dog things with the neon claws.

"**FFXIII IS GOING TO SUCK!!**"

Nameless Heroine scowled. She had heard about the angry fanboys, but this was the first time she was subjected to the stupidity herself. "No sir, I didn't like it," she said to herself. Discontent with being stuck listening to their nonsense, she concluded that there was only one thing to do, which was the thing she did best: kick ass. Using her powers to manipulate time and space, she did not continue whipping her opponents around, but instead created a wormhole to another world. Leaping through it, she slid through the barriers of fact and fiction, landing into the one place where suck and fail coexisted on a daily basis: the internet, or more specifically, _GameFAQs_.

She brandished her new age gunblade towards her 3 opponents, expecting them to do the same. But they didn't. They stared at her in awe.

They were hot for her polygonal body.

"NO WAI! gurlz dont exist...!1" GameFAQs Fanboy #2 squeaked in disbelief in Nameless Heroine's powerful presence.

"What the!? COOTIES! Girls suck! FFX-2 sucked and it had girls! That means girls suck, so you're making your own game suck! Not that I'm sexist or anything," GameFAQs Fanboy #1 added in his own defense.

"Why couldn't you just be another damn effeminate white male?" GameFAQs Fanboy #3 whined unpleasantly. "I mean, I know they look like girls, but Square Enix had no right to replace them with a REAL girl!"

Nameless Heroine rolled her eyes, realizing just what kind of idiots she was dealing with. She flicked her wrist as the gunblade switched from sword to gun mode, then jumped upside down through midair in slow motion, mowing down each fanboy with rapid gunfire. Because her attacks had to be flashy.

When she landed, she tossed a charged fireball from her extended hand, charring the bodies that had already been riddled with bullets with a variation of the Fire spell (Firaga, perhaps, but the burning bodies were writhing too much to contemplate this). She posed with the gunblade in sword form again near her head, and blinked as the camera panned in on her face with lights. Her job was done...or so she had thought, for the evil Electronic Arts bot was her next opponent.

"Your body may be hawt but your motions are NOT. I rhymed, lol," The EA bot guffawed at its own joke.

Nameless Heroine chuckled at the irony and smirked. She leapt into the air, determined to make the first attack. But then the PS3 playing FFXIII froze and the Sony rep pretended nothing was wrong.

To be continued...?


	2. CH 2: Square vs EA

_I wasn't sure if I was going to continue this or not. I didn't plan it as a multi-chapter story. It was just something fun to write at the spur of the moment, but I had leftover material after the first chapter and decided to spin that into a second chapter._

_And thanks to the people that told me Lightning's name. It was speculated but not confirmed at the time I had written the first chapter._

* * *

**Chapter 2:** _Square vs. EA_

The Nameless Heroine landed a good ways away from the EA Bot. They were now at a standoff.

"Come 'ere 'lil girl, so I can fix you up good..." the EA Bot uttered in a remarkably characteristic southern accent.

"Don't you think it's a little hypocritical that you criticize my game when Electronic Arts' games aren't exactly the epitome of quality?" The Nameless Heroine reasoned. But the EA Bot didn't run on logic.

"No," the EA Bot said flatly. "Lol!" It's metallic claws-for-hands flexed and clanked threateningly in her direction. "**NOW COME 'ERE 'LIL GIRL!**"

The bot rushed her. She used her inhuman skill with gravity to leap several feet into the air, contorting her body with her face towards the ground. She aimed her gunblade and opened fire on the bot, then lobbed a grenade. When she landed behind the bot, an explosion sounded. The grenade had made direct contact with the bot's left shoulder joint, blowing its mechanical arm completely off. The EA Bot didn't seem to be phased by this, however.

"Lol!" It chortled madly in its own annoying way. "Fission Mailed!" it proclaimed loudly, revealing a small slot in its chest cavity. Wave after wave of mediocre games were shot in rapid fire.

OVERCLOCK!

Time stopped. Or at least it came to a crawl by the snap of Nameless Heroine's fingers. She walked through the frozen hail of disks and occasional cartridges, most of which were mindless sports dribble or various Lord of the Rings spinoffs. The gunblade switched back into its sword form and she made two slashes into the metallic body of the EA Bot. She prepared for the third and final slash when their world was rocked upside down, cancelling the Overclock mode.

"Stupid thing," the Sony rep muttered, slapping the malfunctioning Playstation 3 that contained the story you're reading. People were not happy with the frozen screen, and he could no longer pretend that nothing was wrong without losing the crowd.

He slapped the PS3 one more time, creating a rift in the fabric of space and time that Nameless Heroine and the EA Bot fell through. The audience was not impressed.

"Dude, it's not working," a kid said.

"STFU!" the Sony rep replied angrily.

"Dude, only n00bs say STFU in real life." The irony.

"Lol! I'm gonna git you 'lil girl!" The EA bot roared as it and the Nameless Heroine fell out of the sky. The EA Bot hit the ground and exploded into pieces while the Nameless Heroine landed with little problem, the device she used to manipulate gravity absorbing the shock. In truth, they had only fallen about 5 feet, but the EA bot was put together so shoddily that no one was surprised to see it fall apart.

"lololololololololololololol..." the broken bot repeated until it shut down once and for all. Nameless Heroine scoped out her surroundings, noticing that she was in a very similar area. To her surprise, there was an angry mob of drooling, snarling fanboys behind her.

Storyline detour INITIATED!

"8.8!? GameSpot SUX!" She heard from the back ranks of the e-mob.

"Jeff Gerstmann is fat thats why he don't like Wii!!" Another fanboy proclaimed proudly, as if he had unlocked the secrets of the universe. They all laughed hysterically at the well formulated and witty wisecrack about the man's weight.

That confirmed it. She was on the dread Twilight Princess board, and at the worst possible time.

"Shut up fanboys!" One individual cried from his lone spot, pointing accusingly towards the angry mob. "Twilight Princess sucks because it plays like other Zelda games! I didn't buy a new Zelda game so it could play like other Zelda games! And I'm going to tell you all about it on my very important blog! And you better read it!"

The e-mob was upon him in seconds. Nameless Heroine had to look away as they tore him limb from limb. There was nothing left when they were finished. It was then that someone noticed her odd, out-of-place appearance. She was a video game character in a world where video game characters were worshipped. Well, not all characters.

"Who is she and what's she doing here?!" One fanboy cried in distress, obviously disturbed by her presence.

"It's that new Final Fantasy girl!" Another replied, pointing towards her for all to see. "Hey, we don't like your kind around here! Go back to Final Fantasy!"

"Square sucks!"

"GET HER!"

The rift was still open, and Nameless Heroine used the opportunity to launch herself into the air just as the horde of fanboys converged where she was once standing.

Storyline detour AVERTED!

She was back where she was before, only there were more people here, watching the three burning bodies of their peers. They all witnessed her jump through the rift with a newfound hatred for Final Fantasy XIII.

Out of the frying pan, into the fire.

"This is getting old," she said to herself.

"What did they ever do to you?!" One of the fanboys cried. "Isn't this a free country?"

"Pfft, Lightning doesn't care. She sucks like all those sluts in FFX2!"

"'Lightning'...? So they've decided on a name for me? What took them so long!?" The newly named Lightning pondered.

"D0\'t 4C+ likE j00 )0n'+ \OW \/\/HO J00 4R3! yOu're G0I\9 +0 GE+ \/\/-4t'$ CO\/1\9 +0 j00 b3cAU53 phI\4L F4\t45y X1II 5uC$!" the resident 'l33t' speaker said.

"Yeah, that's right!" Another fanboy chimed in.

"...you people actually understand what he says?" Lightning asked incredulously.

"+-35E l4MEr5 )o\'+ rolL LI3 i d0."

Lightning became annoyed with his speech and shot him on the spot. He never saw it coming.

The fanboys were shaken but still vengeful. Knowing they didn't stand a chance in combat, they did what they did best: moan and whine about the situation.

"Final Fantasy XIII is going to suck!"

"Lightning sucks!"

"**GURLZ SUK!**"

Lightning rolled her eyes. The complaints were similar to the first she had heard when she was previously minding her own business in Final Fantasy XIII Land, though they started to take a curious turn.

"Final Fantasy XIII will never be as good as Final Fantasy VII!" One fanboy cried in particular, starting a new bandwagon.

"Yeah! Lightning sucks! I mean, what kind of name is 'Lightning' anyway? What happened to the cool names like Cloud and Squall? Cloud PWNS you!!"

Lightning was dumbfounded. "Are you serious? It was pretty stupid when you based your judgements by my gender, but based upon NAMES and OLD games as well!? What is WRONG with you people!? Games are meant to be played and enjoyed, not slandered! All of you are morons!"

The fanboys were shocked. Lightning never said more than a few words at most, but here they were, completely chewed out by the fictional woman they were ridiculing from the safety of their parents' basements. Of course, they weren't going to accept defeat, and started to become rowdy in protest.

"Wait," a small voice said, bringing instant silence amongst the raging fanboys. "She's right." There was a collection of gasps in response to who was speaking and what he had said, which caused Lighting to raise a brow of curiosity. The sea of fanbosy parted for one person in particular.

"It's Cloudfan38," someone whispered in the crowd.

"Lightning is right because you simply can't prove that a game is good or bad, or that one character is better than the other based on names alone," Cloudfan38 rationalized. Lightning was now interested, since he seemed to be the smartest fanboy she had encountered so far.

He chuckled. "Of course, we all _know_ Cloud is better, but how do we prove it?" The fanboys looked confused. "With the man himself." The crowd gasped again as Cloudfan38 left the gaping hole for another figure to walk through.

It was Cloud Strife. And he was face to face with Lightning.

To be continued...?

* * *

_Will Lightning and Cloud sit down and argue over a cup of tea? Or will they beat each other senseless? And the most important question of all: Is anyone going to fix the damn PS3!? _


	3. CH 3: Thunderclouds & Lightning Storms

_So it's been awhile. I had started this chapter right after the second but was waiting for Square Enix to released a new FF13 trailer so I would have something new to base it on. That took forever, and even then I was a little lazy which is why I didn't finish this chapter until now. Thanks a lot SE. Game blackouts are fun!_

* * *

**Chapter 3:**_ Thunderclouds & Lightning Storms_

The porcelain clanked as Lightning set down her tea cup.

"You know, I haven't been able to sit down since this story began," she murmured.

Cloud took a sip of his own tea, admiring the elegant flower designs along the rim of the cup, "This is a much better alternative to fighting." With another sip from the cup, he glanced around the area. "They don't look too happy."

Lightning chuckled in response. "I think they were expecting a fight," she said, quickly eying the mass of fanboys.

"You have to admit, they were on their way to a point. 'Lightning' doesn't exactly roll off of the tongue as a name for a main character."

Lightning slowly stood from her seat. "Well, 'Cloud Strife' isn't exactly a compliment to the English language." Cloud rose to the challenge, slamming his teacup onto the table.

"I guess we're going to fight after all." He gripped the Buster Sword and ripped it from off his back. Fanboys squealed in delight. "But not here."

He took one last sip from the teacup (pinky extended, mind you) and set it down again before the scenery changed. They were in Junon, the waterfront town.

"Isn't it a little unfair to be fighting in your world?" Lightning inquired.

"Well it's not like your game is out."

"Touch? That's the first point you've made all day."

Then they fought. In midair. Like the video game/anime freaks that they are. With their freakishly abnormal weapons and inhuman abilities. Blades clashed and they hovered in the air for minutes. Cheers erupted everytime their weapons clanged and let off a small shockwave. Lightning's manipulation of gravity explained her aerial abilities, but Cloud's weren't so easily revealed. His ability to leap hundreds of feet into the air and stay there was just something he could do naturally, as displayed in Advent Children where he fought the three silver-haired shemales, Kadaj, Loz and Yazoo multiple times.

Finally, their blades locked and they entered a power struggle in the sky, one pushing just a little bit more against the other to throw them off. Cloud had to admit that he was impressed, despite the power and size of the Buster Sword, Lightning was holding her own.

Eventually, they landed at a stalemate. Fanboys screamed, moreso than before, prompting them both to turn around towards the newcomer.

"Cloud, you are weak and pathetic," Sephiroth said in a unnaturally deep voice for his slender and feminine appearance. "You can't even defeat this little girl? I will kill her, and then I will kill you for making Final Fantasy VII look bad. And finally, I will stab Aerith's dead and rotting corpse once more for good measure."

Sephiroth made one swipe with his ridiculously long sword, sending a splitting shockwave that both Lightning and Cloud jumped over. The shockwave plowed into the mass of screaming fanboys, cutting several of them up in the process.

"I am never letting a doctor stitch this up!" One fanboy cried excitedly as he attempted to hold his gushing wound.

Sephiroth smiled a cocky smile to Lightning. "Are you prepared to die, woman?" He leaned down low with his hand on the Masamune's grip in preparation for his next attack. Unfortunately for him, with his back turned he never saw the flash of metal that resulted in his silver locks blowing away in the wind.

There was a shrill, girlish scream as Sephiroth realized what happened. "My hair!" He squealed. "You cut off my beautiful hair, you _slut!_"

The 'slut' he was referring to, of course, was Yuffie Kisaragi.

Lightning sighed. "I thought this was supposed to be a Final Fantasy XIII story," she sai dryly. Cloud shrugged.

"Silence Sephiroth!" Yuffie screamed. She waved her oversized Shuriken threateningly.

"I'll get you back you little hussy!" Sephiroth hissed, attempting to hide what hair was left on his head. He scampered away and passed devastated fanboys that weeped at the humiliation of their idol.

"Um...thanks?" Lightning muttered.

"Shut up!" Yuffie screeched. "All of you! Shut up!" The fanboys ceased crying instantly. "It's my time to shine! No more will I be some optional character, bouncy comic relief or even a side battle in a Kingdom Hearts game!"

"Here we go again," Cloud sighed.

"Yes, we're going here again!" Yuffie stamped the ground in frsutration. "Do you know what kind of roles I get? The ones that suck! I can be missed completely in the one game I was useful in! So they decide to make another Final Fantasy VII game, and who do they give the roles to? Zack and Vincent! Zack's DEAD! D-E-A-D! Do we REALLY need an entire game about his decomposing body?"

"Actually, it's before-"

Yuffie shot a glare to one of the fanboys that spoke out of turn. He didn't dare speak again after that.

"And Vincent!" She continued. "Like me, another optional character...except maybe he spoke 2 lines the entire game and had a really boring backstory! Great, now we get a Final Fantasy SHOOTER with long cutscenes about Vincent's angsty past! Who really cares about him?"

"I do..." Vincent whispered from the shadowed corner he was hiding in before a giant shuriken was lodged into right his eye.

Yuffie clapped her hands together, satisfied. "Like I was saying, those games should have been Yuffie Core and Dirge of Yuffie!"

"Not that I really care," Lightning interupted, "but what does this have to do with me?"

"It's simple really. Because they won't give me a decent role I'll just have to kill you and take your place as the main character of Final Fantasy XIII."

"You make it sound so easy," Lightning muttered, rolling her eyes before picking up her sword.

"Good, I hope you're ready to DIE!" Yuffie brandished multiple Shurikens between her fingers before crossing her arms over her chest, ready to pounce.

"Yuffie, be quiet." Cloud said flatly.

"No! Let me have my spotlight!"

"I said, shut up!"

Yuffie was taken aback, as were the fanboys, but her silence gave way to what Cloud had already picked up on. There was a motorcycle and it was approaching dangerously fast. But it was already too late - the bike was already high in the air before landing with a hail of gunfire, sending Yuffie diving to the ground and mowing down several fanboys. The motorcycle skidded to a halt to reveal a large blonde man in an overcoat, one of the few details of his mysterious background relating to the shoe size of his booted foot that he pressed against the ground for support.

"Mr. 33 centimeters."

To be continued...?

* * *

**Some Author's Notes:** 33cm is what SE referred to Lightning's unnamed ally as in the second FF13 trailer. Why they thought his shoe size was important is beyond me.

_I'm renaming the story_, it's a small tweak. To keep in line with SE's recent latin fetish it will now be called Final Fantasy **Claudus** XIII in the near future. I wanted to give a little warning ahead of time for people looking for this story.

The next chapter may have some actual descriptive fight scenes and take into account the transforming summons from the trailers. I'm also not ruling out more FF characters, including pigtails girl from one of the unsess FF13 trailers or even some characters from Versus and Agito.

And last but not least...

**Disclaimer:** Final Fantasy XIII, Final Fantasy VII, Fabula Nova Crystallis, and all related characters are the property of Square Enix and are used without permission.


	4. CH 4: More than Meets the Eye

**Chapter 4:** _More than Meets the Eye_

"Well it's about time you got here, Snow," Lightning muttered without even bothering to look at her comrade.

"Anything for you babe," he replied with a wink. "You're looking especially hot today, Lightning."

"It figures someone nicknamed 'Mr. 33 centimeters' is a complete douchebag."

"You know your insults only make me even more hot for you," Snow retorted. He received a kick to the gut but recovered as if nothing had happened.

"What's the big idea shooting at me!?" Yuffie screamed, dusting off her clothes from the previous attack. Cloud was watching the duo with stunned interest.

"So you're the legendary pain in the neck!" Snow closed the gap between himself and Yuffie in a flash. He was hovering over her with an eerie grin. "You know, you're much cuter in person my little Yuffiecakes~."

"Dirtbag!" Yuffie yelled, bringing her hand across the large man's face. He only seemed to enjoy it, smiling in reply. That wasn't the response she wanted.

"I'll teach you all to take me seriously!" Yuffie brandished red materia in her hand, prompting a reaction out of Cloud.

"Where did you get that from?" he growled.

"I swiped it from you when you weren't looking," the klepto replied innocently.

Cloud would have chewed her out for stealing his materia - again - but instead took a few steps as just about anything Yuffie did ended in disaster.

The red materia in her palm gave off a bright light as Yuffie summoned forth Ifrit, the summon spirit of fire. A portal of flames and hellfire opened and Ifrit began to claw his way out.

That was until Snow struck first.

"Go get him, girls!"

Snow's motorcycle morphed into two separate blue women surrounded in water. They leapt forward in a tsunami that came crashing down on Ifrit and Yuffie. The summon was put out like a wet candle and Yuffie was pinned to the ground. Just as soon as the battle was over, a large robot descended upon the battlefield.

"You've got to be kidding me!" Snow whined upon seeing the Shiva twins being served papers by Optimus Prime. "What's this all about!?"

"On behalf of the planet Cybertron, we are suing you for copyright infringement. Good day. Autobots, roll out!"

Optimus transformed into a truck and took off just as quickly as he had came.

"Sorry Snow..." the Shiva twins apologized before walking away.

Lightning sighed and put a palm to her face. "This day just keeps getting stranger and stranger."

Snow wasn't too put off by the turn of events, instead taking advantage of the situation. "I'm sorry if I was a little rough Yuffiecakes~, I hope this doesn't affect our relationship."

Yuffie leapt off the ground, taking Snow's words as insults more than anything. "There's two of you XIII people! That's not fair!" She whined in the face of defeat.

Lightning was almost taken aback. "But I was accosted by three of you VII people in the last chapter. You have no place to talk about fairness."

Yuffie shrugged. "Whatever! I think we should make things a little more...even! HEY GUYS, COME ON OUT!"

Barret, Tifa, Vincent (now with an eyepatch), Red XIII and the rest of the gang leapt from out of no where to join the action. However, they were repelled by an energy wall made by swords and sent bouncing away into the horizon like ping pong balls.

The swords returned to a man with dark hair that was spiked in the back and a black coat. At his side was a blonde woman in a white shirt and blue miniskirt.

"And people say I'm emo," Cloud commented in the face of the dark stranger.

"Hello...my name is a Noctis Lucis Caelum Ovaltine Shadoink-doink, but you may call me Noct. This is my lady friend, Stella Nox Fleuret Tres Flores Febreeze. We are here to fix this directionless story by bringing it back to the subject of the Fabula Nova Crystallis."

"Aerith?" Cloud sputtered, his eyes wide and jaw agape at the sight of this new woman.

"I'm sorry," the woman apologized, her eyes frightfully darting about. "You must have me confused with someone else."

"Aerith you take that blonde wig off right now and explain why you aren't dead!"

"I know not of this Aerith woman which you speak of," the woman said, her voice cracking and eyes focusing on everything but Cloud.

The long brown locks of Aerith Gainsborough were revealed after a strong gust of wind blew the blonde wig right off of Stella's head. In reality, the gust was just Snow's heavy breathing as he stood over her shoulders with a perverted grin slapped across his face.

"You're hot," he growled sensually in her ear.

"Get away from me you creep!" Stella/Aerith shrieked, punching Snow in the face.

Snow made a boyish grin before covering his mouth and giggling like a little girl. Then he happily ran away, his arms swinging side to side in childlike giddiness.

"Explain yourself!" Cloud demanded, pointing the Buster Sword at Stella/Aerith. "I watched you die with my own eyes!"

"It's true Cloud...I'm Aerith. And I did die. When I summoned Holy, the materia filled my body with radiation. When you dropped me in the water, the radiation in my body created a rift in the space-time continuum and I landed in front of Noctis. He used a phoenix down to bring me back. That's where I assumed my new identity as Stella Nox Floral Fallal...whatever the heck my name is supposed to be now! Why Cloud? Why didn't you use a phoenix down to bring me back? None of this would have happened!"

Aerith and Cloud embraced and cried in each others arms. Noctis looked on in absolute distaste.

"I thought we were getting away from the Final Fantasy VII drama," he muttered, rolling his eyes.

Cloud was hit with a sudden realization. "But...but if you were gone, who was that in Advent Children?"

"Oh, that was Mena Suvari. Honestly, that woman sounds nothing like me!"

Noctis grabbed Aerith by the arm and pulled her away from Cloud. "Come on, we're going back to where we belong. All of us."

Aerith said nothing, instead choosing to place the blonde (and now disheveled) wig on her head again as she and Noctis went over to Lightning and Snow. His swords surrounded them in a whirling hurricane. Cloud and Yuffie protested but to no avail; the XIII team disappeared in a blink of the eye, leaving Junon behind.

"Nice to have you with us, Stellaerith~," Snow murmured once the teleportation was over. Stella grimaced and stuck close to Noctis.

"So...where are we now?" Lightning asked, scanning the area. They had appeared in a darkened throne room with moody lighting provided by the large crystal behind them. There were sounds of a commotion outside.

"We're in my world," Noctis replied, wielding one of his swords as the doors to the throne room where blasted open by soldiers armed to the teeth in firearms.

Lightning sighed. "Here we go again."

**To be continued!**

* * *

Even though the story is described as 'directionless' (which it pretty much is), I do have the next chapter layed out in my head. When will it happen? Hopefully sooner than this one did, the blackout SE had on the Fabula Nova Crystallis was killer on my inspiration. So we finally have what you've all been waiting for (or maybe not), the presence of Versus XIII! I also hope to work Agito XIII in here (as well as Haeresis XIII whenever it's revealed).

Final Fantasy is the property of Square Enix. Transformers is the property of Takara/Hasbro. They're used without permission...so I hope I won't get sued like the Shiva twins.


	5. CH 5: Versus XIII Action Go!

**Chapter 5:** _Versus XIII Action Go!_

The soldiers began pouring into the throne room. Noctis summoned his swords and created a wall, moving it forward to repel them back. The doors were slammed shut again.

"That should buy us some time," Noctis noted as the swords returned to him.

Lightning wasn't as impressed by his display of power, instead choosing to reward him by grabbing the neck of his coat. "I thought you were taking us back to OUR world! Explain yourself!"

"Those were my intentions," Noctis replied smoothly, removing himself from her grip. "But somewhere during the teleportation, we were bounced here instead."

"Why? What went wrong?"

"It...is the will of fate," Noctis responded mysteriously.

"What kind of cryptic answer is that!?"

While Lightning and Noctis were arguing, Snow took the opportunity to chase Stella around the room.

"Come here Stellaerith~," he cooed as she made every attempt to avoid his lunges. "I want to get to know you better!"

Noctis elaborated in an attempt to not get punched out by Lightning. "I thought you were well aware of this. Our current fate is in a limbo; a part of some ongoing piece of fiction created for the amusement of the diety. We have little control over what's happening...our only hope is to go along with it."

Lightning was full of skepticism. She thought Noctis had snapped. "The diety? Are you joking?"

"He is known by many names, but I believe his most common one is 'Claude the Author.'"

Snow finally cornered Stella against the throne and made one final lunge. Stella ducked as Snow bounced off of the seat and flopped onto the floor.

Lightning snapped. "What are you doing, you buffoon?"

"That's not important right now," Noctis intervened. "I have to explain the situation...that crystal back there is very important, and those men are looking to take it."

"That's a bad thing?" Snow asked in the heap he landed in, still looking Stella over.

"That's a very bad thing."

"No problem, emoboy!" Snow annouced, jumping to his feet and pounding his chest with one fist. "Me and Light-Light~ can take those guys any day!"

The throne doors reopened and Noctis led the way down the staircase outdoors. He raised the shield once again as the army awaiting his appearance took aim. Moody music with latin lyrics played in the background, prompting a few confused glances but overall adding tension to the scene.

The army opened fire but their bullets were rendered useless against Noctis' wall of swords. The prince disappeared into thin air, reappearing in the midst of the army and tearing into them with his swords. Hysteria broke out amongst the soldiers. Lightning, Snow and Stella took advantage of this by taking on the soldiers that had started climbing the stairs towards the throne.

"What a terrible army!" Snow complained as he delivered a powerful straight punch that sent one soldier barreling into the crowd and knocking many of them to the ground.

"Indeed," Lightning agreed, throwing a demi-grenade into the crowd. The explosive gravity energy catapulted the men into the air and swung them around like ragdolls caught in a twister. "You would think that with superpowered beings such as Noctis existing in this universe, this army would be better equipped to storm a castle owned by him."

"No, I meant that this army is terrible because they don't employ women! Not a single hot female under any of that armor! But at least I still have you and Stellaerith~!"

Lightning was tempted to redirect her attacks in Snow's general direction but fought that urge as best as she could.

Noctis had taken the fight from ground to the air, teleporting high above and skewering soldiers that were attempting to scale the castle.

"Show off!" Snow screamed in agitation.

Noctis wasn't the only one going into overkill mode. Stella was suddenly standing over a massive rune that appeared along the ground. Particles of magic encircled her and she unleashed a blast of energy that rip into the army and flung bodies in every direction. In light of this display of power, Snow watched Stella with a stupid grin.

By now the troops began to retreat, having taken a beating from misplaced Final Fantasy characters. Snow chased after a few of them in spirited laughter, kicking and pushing them over like a bully reigning terror on the playground until Lightning had finally had enough and grinded his face into the ashphalt with her palm.

When they had finally disappeared back into the city, Noctis motioned for the others to follow him as he went back to the throne room, stepping over the slew of bodies left behind.

"Why aren't we going after them?" Snow whined, his big shoulders sagging in disappointment.

"With the crystal secure, I think it wise to try to send you all back to where you belong."

"Won't they come back?" Lightning asked.

Noctis nodded. "Oh, they will. They always do. But not for awhile."

Once the doors were secure, Noctis went back to the group and they formed a circle as his swords surrounded them in a whirldwind and whisked them off to another world.

They teleported into a futuristic shopping center bustling with shoppers.

"Cocoon," Lightning said, noticing the curious looks upon Stella and Noctis' faces.

Snow spotted a girl with red hair and pigtails standing in front of a store, closely examining a disk. "VANILLAAAAAAAAAAA!" he yelled, running over to her and pulling her into a crushing hug. The girl looked looked surprised and somewhat appalled by the gesture as she was lifted off of the ground. Lightning and Stella gave her sympathetic looks as they approached the store.

"It's Vanille, not Vanilla!" she chastised the large man. "How many times do I have to tell you that!?"

"Whatever you say, my sweet, sweet Vanilla~," Snow said in response.

Noctis, not use to the extreme light of the store (compared to his perpetually dark and emo world), hissed and dove into a dark corner, shielding himself.

"Oh, get out of there!" Stella rolled her eyes.

"The light. The LIGHT. It _buuurns_," Noctis whispered, his eyes darting about hysterically. Stella pulled him out into the light, where he literally began to flop on the floor and gasp for air like a fish out of water. There was a sizzling sound and the faint scent of something burning as his clothing gave off trails of smoke.

"...Who is this weirdo?" Vanille asked, watching Noctis flail along the ground.

"I'll explain it later," Lightning told her with an exasperated sigh, grabbing one of Noctis' arms as he continued to bounce and contort on the ground. When she pulled him away from the store and into the moonlight of the night sky, he instantly recovered, jumping to his feet and dusting himself off.

"I'm sorry you had to see that," he murmured, looking away from the group to hide his embarrassment. When he finally noticed Vanille, he decided to introduce himself. "Hello. My name is Noctis Lucis Caelum Ovalt-"

The ground shook violently and an explosion sounded in the distance. It was soon accompanied by smoke billowing in the distance.

Lightning zoned out for a few seconds until her realization hit her. "I remember what it is I'm supposed to be doing!"

"What's that supposed to mean?" Snow questioned in response to those cryptic words. The others gave Lightning an odd look and until she ran out of the shopping mall and towards where the action was. Of course, they chased after her.

**To Be Continued!**

* * *

**_After 5 chapters the story moves back on track to something slightly resembling the plot of Final Fantasy XIII. But because this is Final Fantasy Claudus XIII, you know for a fact that things aren't going to go as planned and continuity can be thrown to the wind at any moment. The only thing I can let you in on right now is that some more FFXIII characters will appear in the next chapter._**


	6. CH 6: Anger Management

_**Okay readers, I've got good and bad news. The bad news first: Final Fantasy Claudus XIII is rapidly drawing to a close. When I first started writing this, it was to vent. I wasn't even sure if I would write more than one chapter. But the source material was ripe for parodying, and so FFCXIII came to this point. Part of the reason it took so long for me to write a new chapter is because I knew I wanted to end this story, I just didn't know how. After all, how do you write a conclusive ending to this wacky thing? But a good idea recently struck and I'm going to go with that. So Final Fantasy Claudus XIII will officially end with Chapter 7. I know - I'm sad too.**_

_**The good news: Final Fantasy Claudus XIII is not dead. This story was based on all the info we got before the game came out. Now that FF13 is out for the world to play, a more accurate parody can come to fruition. This is why I have decided to do a follow up called Final Fantasy Claudus XIII ~International~ once I've played the game extensively enough to parody it. There will be a lot of similar elements carried over from this story, including stuff I couldn't originally squeeze in.**_

_**Anyways, new chapter. And it's been a long time coming.**_

* * *

**Chapter 6:** _Anger Management_

"Why are you following me?" Lightning shouted over the sounds of a battlefield. She was running down a highway that looked and and very much sounded like it had been dropped into a warzone.

"We wanted to help!" Noctis yelled back. Finally, Lightning stopped and allowed Noctis and Stella to catch up. At some point during the chase, Snow and Vanille had disappeared.

"But this isn't your world. This isn't your fight," Lightning replied.

"You helped Noctis in our world when it wasn't your fight," Stella said.

"Alright. Do whatever you want. But if you get in my way, I'll hurt you. Both of you."

Stella was taken aback a bit but Noctis didn't seem fazed by those words. They followed Lightning along the path until they saw a man in the distance.

"It's about time you got here!" Sazh Katzroy threw his arms out in frustration when Lightning barely acknowledged him. "Where have you been? You still wanna do this or what?"

"Of course."

"Are you going to introduce me to your friends?"

"The emo one is Noctis and the blonde is Stella. Or Aerith. I forget."

"Thanks," Noctis replied dully. You would think that he said it that way through sarcasm, and you'd be right, but he sounds like that normally so it doesn't matter anyway.

"Enough talking. We have a job to do." Lightning bolted down the highway. The others shrugged and followed her.

A flaming wreckage fell out of the sky and crashed into the section of highway they were on, destroying its support. It began to collapsed, and the next section looked to be an impossible length away.

"What do we do!" Sazh screamed frantically, pulling on his afro.

"We jump!" Lightning took a running leap and Sazh grabbed on to her for dear life at the last minute. They rolled when they landed while Noctis teleported beside them with Stella in his arms.

Sazh was still in disbelief as he watched the peice of road they were on drop into the depths of Coccoon. "Are you crazy, white woman!"

Lightning scowled; the gravity-altering device she used to perform arbitrary but still cool-looking stunts had been damaged by Sazh and was not working properly. Without a word, she slapped him to the ground.

"Now that was completely uncalled for!" Stella protested, appalled by Lightning's quick enforcement of physical abuse.

Lightning cut Stella a dirty look before grabbing her and suplexing her into the ground. She lay next to Sazh, bruised.

"Now wait just a min...nevermind!" Noctis said quickly when Lightning threateningly shook a fist at him.

"Heyyyyy!" Snow called out, running up to them. "What are you guys doing?"

Lightning narrowed her eyes. And just when they were rid of him. "Trying to follow some semblance of the plot!"

"Well it's not working," Vanille said, stepping out from behind Snow. "I'm not even supposed to be here with you guys, and neither are they!" she exclaimed, pointng at the Versus XIII duo. Noctis turned his nose up at her, literally.

"I don't care," Lightning responded. "I'm going to save Serah."

Snow leapt over to Stella and purred. "Hey Stellaerith~, why don't you ditch that emo loser and get with a real man?"

Stella gagged. Thankfully, some distance was made between the two when Lightning butted in and got in Snow's face.

"Why didn't you protect her!"

Snow absently scratched his cheek. "Who are we talking about again?"

"Serah! My sister! Your fianc !"

"Oh, that's right! ...What happened to her again?"

Lightning growled. "She turned into a CRYSTAL!"

"Yeah, I remember now! That was a real drag."

Lightning punched Snow to the ground. He wailed in surprise and rubbed his cheek. "A drag? She didn't catch the flu - she's no longer human!"

"Well, no one told her to get all l'Cie and Focused up!" Snow winced and covered his face when he thought Lightning would strike twice in the same spot (lololol I made a punny funny).

Lightning had turned away with her first true display of sadness since I started writing this story. "That's why...we have to kill the fal'Cie," she murmured.

"That's a little extreme, don't you think?" Snow reasoned, a very rare occurance. "I mean, I like your temper Light-Light~, but it might get you killed. And everyone in your way."

"Well we're dealing with an extreme situation. This isn't even counting the crap with 'The Diety.' If that's even true."

Noctis scowled, as he expected that to be a dig at him. He would have protested, but the sight of Stella getting suplexed into the cold hard ground still flashed in his memory. He wasn't taking any chances trying to convince her, though he didn't have to wait very long - a dome of light erupted in front of them, and a figure stepped out.

Noctis covered his eyes and thought that the intense light would make him combust at any moment. But this light was different, and the figure stood with its back to it. It was impossible for anyone to make out his face, though they could tell that he wasn't a very large man.

And then he introduced himself.

"Hello. My name is Tetsuya Nomura."

To be continued...

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**_The next chapter is the final chapter. It's the last thing I'll write about FF13 until Final Fantasy Claudus XIII ~International~ edition._**


	7. CH 7: When One Must Be Undone

_**Here we are at the end of the road. Final Fantasy Claudus XIII concludes here, but like I said, the International edition rebirth of this story will come in the future. But before that happens, this story has to come to an end. Did you guess how it would end?**_

* * *

**Chapter 7:**_When One Must Be Undone_

"Hello. My name is Tetsuya Nomura."

"Oh my god, it's...it's...it's him! That Nomura guy!" Snow squealed excitedly, pointing at Nomura.

Lightning took a step forward, wary. "Are you The Diety?"

Nomura shook his head. "well, no. That's someone else, and he caused this mess. I'm just trying to fix things." Fang and Hope emerged next to him, to the party's stunned surprise.

Fang laughed at their reactions. "What? You thought I was going to participate in a broken story like this? And I couldn't let poor Hope get scarred by what happened so far."

"How could you leave me with someone like this guy?" Vanille complained. Snow was breathing on her neck and she punched him in the face. He didn't recoil, he only grinned. She hid behind Lightning for protection, and since Snow didn't feel like getting suplexed into the ground, he kept his distance.

"Don't worry Vanilla~, heroes don't quit!" he sang to her.

Lightning ignored their antics and asked Nomura another pressing question, "what exactly do you mean by 'fixing' everything?"

"I'm glad you asked. I am simply going to rewind everything back to the very beginning of your story. None of you will remember anything in order to preserve the series of events."

"That makes sense...I guess," Sazh said with a shrug.

"Noctis. Stella. It's time for you to go home. Step into the light and you will be returned to your homes."

Noctis approached Lightning (though he did keep arms-length away from her). "I guess this is where we part ways, perhaps forever. We were not originally destined to meet, so I will not see you the second time around."

Snow whined like a sad puppy in front of Stella. "I don't want you to go, Stellaerith~! Think of the possibilities."

Stella smiled sadly. "I'm going to miss you guys. Wait, what am I saying? Lightning suplexed me into the ground and you've been sexually harassing me since we first met! You people are horrible and I'm outta here!" Stella ran as fast as her little legs could carry her, hurdling over Nomura and diving into the light, returning to her home world. Noctis didn't move quite as a fast, but he did follow her back to the correct game world.

"Guess it's our turn," Sazh said. He and Vanille walked into the light together, leaving Snow and Lightning as the only stragglers.

Snow fidgeted. "Just one thing before we go...could you tell me when Kingdom Hearts III is coming out?"

"Oh, that's scheduled for a few months after NEVER!" Nomua threw his head back dramatically, "Oooohohohoho!"

"..." Snow sulked and crept into the light.

Nomura held out his hand for Lightning. "You're the only one left."

"Okay, fine. But this better not be a trick!" She grabbed his hand and reality washed away.

Lightning glided through a white abyss; a blank canvas yearning to tell a story. The memories of past events slowly drifted out of her mind as gently as the sleep that crept along her figure. The fanboys, the battles, the misplaced characters, Snow's inappropriate advances...they didn't matter anymore, and even if they did, she was finding the task of recalling them to be more work than it was worth. Those memories were almost completely gone, and once her slumber had taken its toll, she wouldn't even remember that she even forgot what recently transpired. This white space represented a second chance.

What she did not realize was that the second time around would be even more exasperating. No part of her world would be safe from being twisted for amusement. And Tetsuya Nomura would not be able to save them.

But until then...

**-THE END-**

© 2006-2010 ClaudeLv250  
Final Fantasy © Square Enix


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